What are the consequences of parenting?
Plain Jane Mom writes about Elizabeth Pantley’s No-Cry Discipline book, which she describes as saying that “making a positive emotional connection with your kids is the way to bring order to chaos and leave the screaming behind.”
I agree that screaming is not an effective method of discipline, but ironically, it seems to be more common among parents who don’t believe in (formally) punishing their children, who don’t want their children to experience unpleasant consequences because they don’t want to see them cry.
Consequences teach children. The goal of the parent should be to allow their children to be taught by natural consequences if possible.
But some natural consequences of the actions of children include death. Sometimes children are killed or crippled because of things they do. So maybe the goal of the parent should be to teach the child by providing consequences that are less permanent than natural consequences. The consequences of not disciplining children can be severe.
What do you think about that?
June 4th, 2007 at 11:18 am
I meant the kid’s screaming, not mine. I yell at my kids.
It helps them learn that their actions have consequences and that anger will not kill them.
June 4th, 2007 at 11:52 am
I don’t know what to say.
June 4th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Try. I know you’re trying to make a point, I just don’t know what it is. Why silence yourself on your own blog?
June 4th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Does yelling at your kids result in a positive emotional connection with them? In your case, is it true, as I generalized, that you’d hate to spank them but you don’t mind yelling at them? Do you mind insulting them or belittling them?
June 4th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
This is an issue at my house. My husband has a seven year old from a previous marriage, and is quick to anger with him. I tend to be more calm, and allow the consequences to fall naturally. Often, I’ll let him choose his own consequence (between the two options I offer him).
The only $.02 I have to offer is that one of my friends, who has taught for many many years, told me that children always mirror their environment. I’ve seen that to be true: children raised in households with yelling tend to be that much more quick to vocalize.
June 4th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
This is an interesting point of view. but there has to be some boundaries, and yes, you cannot let them get maimed or killed because of “natural consequences.” However, logical consequences can be much gentle!
I do not like all the yelling and have said so and I don’t like it when I do it either.
June 4th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Why would I insult or belittle someone? I never said that. I did say that I do yell. For example: “Get off the dog RIGHT NOW!” or “Stop hitting your brother!” or “Stop begging me for chocolate milk!”
I haven’t read any of your other posts, but are you in the habit of picking fights with other bloggers? If you’ve already run out of blogging topics, there’s always a career in celebrity sightings or government conspiracy theories.
Not sure why you like to mis-interpret what I say, but if it floats your boat there’s not much I can do about it.
Unfortunately, I think we share a lot of parenting beliefs, but your eagerness to put words in my mouth hides that.
June 4th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
Sorry, Erika, I didn’t mean to put words into your mouth. I do think we have a lot in common. (And besides, I’d be really bad at celebrity sightings or government conspiracies).
I just meant that a lot of parents have trouble yelling without being hurtful, and I wanted to know how you handled that. I do know that a lot of children have trouble handing that.
Some so-called experts imply that “truly great parents” never yell, and I could tell you were open to talk about it. I only intended to stir up a discussion, I didn’t mean to pick a fight with you.
I apologize for offending you.
June 4th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
A great book, which I liked better than Pantley’s, is “Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box.” She talks about how hiding your anger is a bad idea.
Of course no one advocates abusiveness, but kids need to learn that emotions come in all flavors.
June 4th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
I remember reading an interview with the actress who played June Cleaver, and she said she wasn’t really that gooey-sweet to her own kids. I think she agreed that hiding your anger is a bad idea.
June 5th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
We yell too much in our house..however there is no name calling or belittling..raised voices yes…and yes there is a bit too much mirroring..however…some of this has had a positive result….
Because I try to apologize for an outburst whether it is directed at my kid or not…now my kids do the same…and without prompting.
Today..I was feeling miserable and snapped at my son because he was whining and snarking at me.
He apologized to me for saying bad words to me and I apologized to him for losing my temper….
He has learned at least that we are all human and we all have our moments.
July 16th, 2007 at 9:04 am
[...] discipline July 16th, 2007 by Michael Davidsen A while ago, we had a good discussion about how to teach children there are consequences for their behavior. If you’re politically correct, you must somehow do that without causing [...]