Un-parenting: is it possible? Advisable?
Like many parents, I’ve been skeptical of unschooling. Belief in unschooling often seem to accompany disbelief in other limitations, instead of teaching children how to deal with limitations. But MomIsTeaching explains that the point of unschooling is not to remove all restraints, but to let your child follow his or her heart. In other words, don’t try to push them in directions they don’t fit. I can appreciate that. If your children are not good at math, don’t tell them they will be failures if they don’t become rocket scientists.
So how far can we take this? If unschooling can be a good philosophy, how about un-parenting? Or has that already become common?
Certainly, un-parenting, in the sense of never expecting your child to do anything they don’t like, has become common. I know my natural tendency, when my son doesn’t like what’s happening, is to reconsider whether I can calm him down by changing whatever is happening to something more to his liking. So we all tend toward that form of un-parenting. We have to fight the inertia that drags us toward peace at all costs, even at the cost of our child’s character.
Today I was reading about the death of guitarist Eric Clapton’s son in 1991. Four-year-old Conor was playing hide-and-seek in a 53rd story apartment, and fell out a large window that wasn’t ever supposed to be opened. Actually, he ran out. You know how four-year-old boys are. A limitation that had always been there was no longer there, and there was nothing to stop him. I can sympathize. Not running through open windows is something I’ve never needed to teach my son either.
Maybe the challenge is to let your child run with all his heart to become the kind of person he or she was meant to be. As parents, we’re responsible for helping our children see what that might be. And what it isn’t.
October 12th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
I think that many people assume that with a name like unschooling it must mean sitting on the couch eating bon-bons and letting the kids run wild. LOL
A blogger friend of mine who unschools recently wrote a great post on her oldest finding a love of algebra thanks to watching a movie. It’s a great read to see unschooling in action. Read it here.
November 30th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
The term “unparenting” is often used in inappropriate contexts when related to unschooling. If a parent is *there* and engaged with their child in some way, it’s parenting of some kind or another. It can’t be unparenting. It might be extremely relaxed parenting, but it’s still parenting.
The only thing that constitutes unparenting is when a parent is not there, and not engaged at all.
Seems to me, that this is a much bigger problem with kids who go to school than kids who are unschooled. How can a parent parent when their kids aren’t even there?
Unschooling doesn’t mean walking away and letting a kid do things without parental support; it’s the opposite - letting a kid be who they are and do what they do best with parental support securely in place. Unschooling means not basing a child’s education on school, which has a very specific and directed process. Just like a parent who uses negotiation and understanding to deal with bickering children is unangering, or unyelling. Anger and yelling aren’t the only way to deal with children bickering, just as school isn’t the only way to learn.
So, extreme unschooling isn’t unparenting, just as extreme unyelling isn’t unmediating.
November 30th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
[...] and Unschooling November 30, 2007 — Tammy From a comment I posted on this blog. (As always, if you comment, please be [...]
November 30th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Thanks, Tammy, for that insight. I wonder if you could speak to a question raised by your first paragraph. You say, “it might be extremely relaxed parenting,” but can it be poor parenting? It seems like you’re letting lazy parents off the hook in ways that you probably don’t mean to.
November 30th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
Unschooling is one of the most misunderstood concepts in homeschooling. Probably because school is such a sacred cow. Well, I like steak. Rare.:D
I think you have it when you say that “..the challenge is to let your child run with all his heart to become the kind of person he or she was meant to be. As parents, we’re responsible for helping our children see what that might be.”
Traditional schooling is all about arbitrary schedules, assembly line learning, and mob control. Unschooling is the opposite of those unreasonable restrictions, that serve as creativity vampires to suck the life out of discovery and imagination. Where have we gotten the idea that self-discipline means being able to respond to bells and whistles? I am rearing children, not raising German Shepherds.
Unparenting is not a term I would use in conjunction with unschooling. Unparenting is a label for the unconcerned, undisciplined, uninvolved parent, not the unschooler.
November 30th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
“I know my natural tendency, when my son doesn’t like what’s happening, is to reconsider whether I can calm him down by changing whatever is happening to something more to his liking. So we all tend toward that form of un-parenting. We have to fight the inertia that drags us toward peace at all costs, even at the cost of our child’s character.”
And you assume that people who unschool automatically (or are more likely to) take this stance?
Unschooling does not mean unparenting by any stretch of the imagination.
On the contrary, my experience dictates that those who choose to unschool are more likely to insist on follow through because they don’t have the guilt of having sent their children off to be someone else’s problem all day.
November 30th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Michael,
Could you define what *you* would consider to be ‘lazy’ or ‘poor’ parenting as related to unschooling? I am curious as to why do you associate the two?
One can be relaxed and thoroughly well disciplined, while some of the most rigid people I know are complete wrecks, because they can’t respond with any spontaneity or flexibility.
November 30th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
Hi Michael,
Here’s a question that might give a bit of perspective: would you consider attachment parents “lazy”? Unschooling is like the long tail of attachment parenting.
“Lazy” parents don’t engage with their children, don’t take responsibility, basically - don’t parent. Sounds about as far from attachment parenting as one can get, right? Same with unschooling.
Unschooling is like attachment educating.
Truly lazy parents send their kids to school. It’s a lot easier than unschooling if one is looking to get off the hook of being a parent. Like I said, one can’t be a parent if the child isn’t there.
On the flip side, being an engaged unschooler is “easier” than being an engaged school parent, *even though* unschoolers spend a lot more time with their kids. Why? Because unschoolers don’t fight to make their kids conform. They are engaged a lot with their kids, but in a positive, invigorating way. This isn’t being lazy, it’s being smart, efficient and proactive. It can seem like being lazy on the outside, because it just seems too easy, too unimposing, too good to be true. It looks easy because there isn’t an outside force to fight against. But it’s still a lot of work, engagement and paying attention.
Can unschoolers be “poor” parents? Sure, just like anyone can be, and depending on who you ask. Can they be unparenting? No. Unschooling, by its very nature, is an approach that demands a lot of parental involvement. They may not be the best parent in the universe (who is anyway? and who gets to decide?), but they are indeed parenting.
There is a huge difference between being a lazy parent and being a parent who is actively parenting but who is not very effective. Different questions entirely, IMHO.
November 30th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
Tammy, that helps a lot, though you seem to be describing an ideal. But since unschooling has a technical meaning, you would refuse to use the word for a parent who wasn’t interested in their child’s growth, even though they might have some things in common with unschoolers. I can understand that. I do that with words that happen to describe me, but don’t describe me very well.
Actually, my post was not about unschooling, except the first two sentences, so you don’t necessarily need to defend it. My post is about unparenting. The two words are grammatically similar, which is one reason I’d like to help clear up the distinction. I have met a few people who told me they felt their unschooling experience was poor parenting. But I’m not an expert on unschooling. I wanted you experts on unschooling to answer Sunnymom’s question: what do you consider poor parenting or lazy parenting as related to parenting? And I think Tammy is helping to provide that answer.
November 30th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
There are grammatical similarities between the words ‘underwater’ and ‘underwear’ as well, and the first two paragraphs of your post appear to the reader to be an effort to equate unschooling with the idea of ‘unparenting’, as evidenced by the responses you have received thus far.
So what might appear as lazy parenting to one person could be a matter of personalities, family dynamics, or perception. Which is why I asked *you* what you consider to be lazy parenting- Not having a rigid schedule? Not using packaged curriculum? Following a child’s interests instead of a Scope and Sequence or Table of Contents? Do ‘experts on unschooling’ have the inside scoop on what constitutes poor parenting?
Unschoolers who have had an unsatisfactory parenting experience should place the responsibility where it lies- not with the educational method, but with themselves. Unschoolers are no more likely to be lazy parents than parents who use Switched on Schoolhouse or BJU HomeSat.
I really am just very curious at the premise of your post. Forgive me if I sound like I am nagging- I am always full of questions.
December 1st, 2007 at 12:13 am
Sunnymom, the responses I’ve received thus far are not from the general public - they are from committed unschooling bloggers, commenting on an old post, who are viewing it through their own sunglasses. I really was just exploring a play on words - honest. If you read my first two paragraphs carefully, I said that I had some doubts at first, but MomIsTeaching straightened me out. The fact that I thought the term unschooling should be taken literally should be your cue to explain what the term really means, not to ask me to defend myself against people I didn’t know I was attacking. That would be impossible. I wasn’t attacking unschooling.